RAD ON!

Hi All...

I know I haven't written in a LONG time. This has been the result of several factors...One, I am feeling better overall and thus I am living life away from home more often. When I am home it us usually because I am exhausted and need to rest, thus avoiding the computer. Also, many days have passed where I just don't have it in me to be social. Call it fatigue, depression, whatever...but that is where I have been.

I have completed 13 treatments of radiation. I go every day, Monday through Friday. I have 17 left to go. It is very easy. I head over to the hospital every morning after I drop off the girls at school. I have the same scheduled time every morning. Us patients are scheduled in 15 minute time slots, so you get to know those who are just ahead of you and just after you. You can tell which area of their body is being radiated by which hospital attire a patient is wearing . Most of the women I see have hospital gowns on and all of the men, except one, have hospital pants on. We can leave our other clothes on and it looks kinda funny as we all sit around in the waiting area with our shoes on and these oh so attractive hospital issued fatigues. There is this really handsome man in his seventies who is very tan and has white hair. He usually wears pastel colored polo shirts which make him look like he just flew in from some tropical island. The size of his Rolex and the brand of his shoes makes it seem as if he did so on his own private jet. He is very sweet and seemed genuinely upset to see me taking the slot after his. "Too young" is usually the remark that is mumbled. The women I have met there are all breast cancer survivors. Most of us have had chemo and you can tell which stage of radiation we are all in by how long our hair is. I am still the newest one on the block. Last week I met a woman who had a little less hair then I do but it turns out that she is three months post chemo.

Radiation doesn't really have any side effects, not like chemo.. I have been struggling with fatigue. Some days it is debilitating and some days I don't notice it. It really bothers me that I never know what kind of day it is going to be. I have had to cancel plans that I have looked forward to because I woke up that morning and all I could do is get the girls to school, go to radiation and then get myself home. I feel somewhat removed from the other mom's at school because I have so much on my mind other than the kids. I am not one for chit-chat and I can't take anyone up on offers to go for a walk or coffee after drop off because I have to head out to radiation right after the bell rings. If I explain this to my mom friends at school it is usually followed by a sympathetic "awww" and a small dose of pity, which is no good either. Damned if I do and damned if I don't...ya know?

The girls are mostly doing well. School has been great for them and they both really like it. Even Mia is enjoying the after school day care. I am too! The other day we were at the pool and I heard Mia tell another mother there that her mom "has chemo, I mean cancer, I mean radiation". It was almost shocking to hear her speak these words. Today she asked me "do you still have cancer?" When I started radiation I explained it to the girls and Hani asked "what if it doesn't work?" I had to answer that one without missing a beat. We have learned how to live with this, but it certainly isn't easy.

Coming up next is finding out my BRCA1, BRCA2 gene mutation status. That should come in sometime this week. After radiation is over I have to have my ovaries removed because of my ER/PR positive status and the fact that I am not a candidate for Tamoxifen due to past clotting problems. Sometime in October I will have that procedure. Most likely it will be done laproscopically. THEN...I take an aromitase inhibitor for the next five or more years...and cross my fingers. The long term surveillance is also to be determined. It isn't like I can take a blood test every 6 months to see it the cancer is back...

That's it for now. Stay in touch.

Shell

PS..I found this great website that has many useful videos to learn more about all of this. If you are interested, click here.