Feeling Healthy, Feeling Human

Tonight I had a "date" with my husband that I had looked forward to all day. I didn't worry about my strength or stamina to go out at night. A first for me in a long time. I dressed, put on makeup and to my surprise, there were enough eyelashes to wear mascara. I have never been so happy to put on makeup. I felt so normal... We were out among the living and I didn't feel like the oddball. No one gave me lingering glances. I wore a hat because the length of my hair and the changing seasons required I add some warmth, but I don't look like a cancer patient anymore. My eyebrows, lashes and color in my cheeks are back. It is like someone turned on a light and it is shining on my face. You can see my features. I am not washed out anymore, and for that I am now invisible in a crowd. When the Adrimycin/Cytoxan/Taxol tango left me hairless I looked washed out. That look set me apart in a crowd, screemed CANCER PATIENT! Although I looked partly invisible, I was even more noticable. Now that you can see me, I blend in quite nicely. I was out tonight and living and it felt great! This morning I took Maizy and Jacq out to the foothills for an early walk after kid drop-off at school. It was getting cold and threatening rain, a beautiful fall day. By the time we headed out of the car it was raining. We whipped on our hoods and headed up the trail, Maizy dashing to and fro over the hills, searching every hole she passed. The rain came down harder. The mud stuck to the soles of our shoes and we walked as if on uneven stilts. We were cracking up! We were living and feeling and sharing and what could be better than that!

Today I had my mindfullness meditation class at the Wellness Community. I am so comfortable there now that I stroll in and head to the kitchen where I make myself some tea before settling in for class. I overheard a conversation between two women next to me. There was no irony lost in the exchange between the two. One handed the other the book Beating Cancer with Nutrition. She opened it and noticed the name on the inside front cover; it was the name of the previous owner. She asked who he was. She replied "My husband, he died". I have that book too. Does that mean it doesn't work?

My energy is up. I want to get out, see friends, walk Maizy, read. I call and leave messages, which are sometimes returned days later. When I run into someone who received one of my calls but who had not yet returned it, the response is usually "I am so sorry I haven't called you back yet, I have been so busy." When we do connect it is very hard to make a date, everyone's schedules are so full. "I'm so busy" is often the response. When I first got sick these same people were calling, concerned and wanting to be of service. Now I am better and they are busy. I want to tell them not to take anything for granted, but I wonder if they will know what I mean. Perhaps I am like this too...We don't have jobs, our kids are in school, the fridge is stocked, the car has gas...what are we doing that keeps us so busy? Of course I know. We find things that seem important at the time, things that must get done. I was a master of this activity. I called them projects, and I really did believe they were necessary. My business was self imposed, my perceptions color what I assign as a necessity. My business gave my life a purpose, goals. That was before cancer came into my life and ripped this luxury away from me. Now I ask, does the house have to be so clean? Does the laundry have to be finished? Are the projects necessary? I do this to myself and I suspect my friends do this too. I know this intimately because this is how I operated, without mindfullness. I have a new perspective- this state of being is a choice and since having this awareness I want to scream out to my friends "STOP!"

It is hard to stop. I had to become aware that my business was not necessary but self-created. Yet even though I became aware I still could not stop. Cancer stopped me, held me down, forced me into stillness until I finished kicking and screaming.

During treatment I had to watch the world go by without me in it. The worst part was watching my girls go off with their father or friends for a fun day of whatever, but without me. The earth continued to spin. The dinner got put on the table, clothes got cleaned and put away, the girls were well fed and bathed each day, the house continued to stand...all without me participating. Others filled in, helped out, took over my part. Priorities changed, dust wasn't noticed, events became mundane. The overall importance of the machinations of daily life disipated. My discomfort with this was masked by toxins and ativan. I began my cancer journey with the life I knew, lost my place in that story after diagnosis, and became concious again to see the results. The process completely illuded me. I was a spinning top...spinning so fast it looked like I was completely still yet magically staying upright. Cancer made me wobble and quickly fall down. I have no desire to use what little energy I have recovered to get back to that spin I was in. I now have something new, an understanding that this is a choice. I think we define ourselves by some destructive motivations. We are cabable of hurting ourselves by our own actions, actions we have chosen to take. We delude ourselves by thinking that we have to be this way. That it is in the activity of our lives that we have meaning. This doesn't work for me anymore. I don't need it. This is one of cancers gifts to me. Conciousness can be painful yet that pain informs us that we can choose differently.

To be unconciously driven by thoughts is painful to watch. I see this in my friends and their busy schedules. I have had the benefit of having to face my ultimate limit, my disappearance from this life and the lives of others. I now profoundly appreciate the significance of carving out time purposfully. A walk, a phone call, lunch dates, theater tickets, spending time together, these are necessary. What is on the to-do list can stay on the paper, not crossed off. It can come in second, be put off. My success is not equated with accomplishing my list. My value is not in how much I get done anymore than it is about how big my house is or what is in my bank account. I AM A HUMAN BEING NOT A HUMAN DOING. This takes awareness and practice.

I learned about another perk to having breast cancer. A local spa is offering free services to survivors this month. I get to have a facial on the house! All of the awareness efforts have struck me a sort of odd. Pink ribbons are everywhere. They are even on the Hershey's syrup bottles and the Thomas's English Muffin wrappers. I passed a car dealership the other day and noticed that there were pink balloons everywhere. At the market, all the checkers are wearing pink. It is almost like a party. "Woo Hoo!" "Breast Cancer!" "Rah! Rah! Rah!" Lupus doesn't get a party month. Lung Cancer doesn't even get a day. How is this fair? I'd like to give my complimentary facial to one of those people.