Putting One foot in Front of the Other

Last night was my second time at the group at Wellness Community. The Wellness Community is an amazing place. The resources there are excellent. Classes, groups, the library, they cover all the bases for cancer patients and their caregivers. It is kind of like a clubhouse for me. A refuge. I walk in the door and feel like I belong and that nothing has to be explained. There is just this feeling of understanding there. The group I joined is made up of cancer patients of every kind. Men, women, all ages. I feel at once dismayed that I belong in that room, and yet oddly relaxed and comfortable. I listen and hear answers. I also hear stories that make me focus more on the moment. Last night there were two other women who had metastasized breast cancer. One is on her third bout. Another finished treatment 4 years ago and now has metastasis in her brain and lymph nodes. She had Stage 0 DCIS, a form of cancer they often call "pre-cancer". She had a mastectomy and was finished with treatment. Nothing else was necessary, they said. Well, now look what has happened. I had Stage IIb Invasive Lobular Carcinoma with metastasis to my lymph nodes. Way worse than her first round. It does make me wonder about my own course with this disease. Will it come back? Will I live until I am 90 and die of something else? This is why I had the double mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation. This was the most aggressive treatment option for me and had the best outcome. Perhaps this will be what sets me apart from the others who have had recurrent cancers. They didn't have chemo, or a mastectomy, or chose another route for treatment all together. I didn't have choices presented to me. It was this plan or else. That made my decision easy. I have heard the stories about patients who choose the lesser of the treatments for fear of side effects. I chose the side effects over the primary effect of cancer. I can only hope that this choice will net the desired results. What separates all of us into these statistical differences?

I have been confronted by the question, "How did this happen to YOU?" I don't have the BRCA gene, so there is nothing to point to as being a cause or risk factor. This makes others nervous. I think this question is more about them than me. There is nothing obvious or CONTROLLABLE about me getting breast cancer. Therefor, there is nothing that these well meaning people can use to set them apart from me and thus reassure themselves that they are not at risk.

My burn continues to heal. The last couple of days has seen tremendous progress. I am hopeful that Yoga and some strength training is in my very near future. I took Maizy out to the Diablo foothills yesterday morning. It was beautiful. We arrived right after school drop-off. The sun hadn't even come up over the hills yet. I hadn't been there since my surgery. I don't think she had either. We were both equally joyous to be out in such beautiful surroundings, grateful for all that we have. (I know, she is a dog, but I could see it in her eyes!)